Interview with A LOT of vampires
by JasperSaysCalmDown
Summary: A nightly talk show by me! I interview your favorite vamps and you can leave reviews with you questions to be answered!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is just something my sister and I came up with at tennis practice. Hope you like.**

**I don't own any of these Characters.**

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**Interview with A LOT of vampires**

**BY....**

**Me! JSCD(JasperSaysCalmDown)**

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**Takes place in my oddly small living room. Monday. July 13. 2009. 11:00pm**

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Me: Hi-diddly ho viewers, and welcome to TALK HEX with me! JSCD! Today we have some very special guests. Uh… (Looks through various stacks of papers.) OH! Here we go, Today we have the CULLENS visiting us! Please welcome the Cullens!

_Carlisle walks out looking around frantically…_

Carlisle: Where am I?

Me: Welcome to TALK HEX with me! JSCD!

Carlisle: Uh…w-who are you exactly?

_JSCD shoots him a "sit your vamp ass down" look._

Carlisle: never mind…

_Next, Comes Esme._

Me: Hello, Mrs. Cullen! Welcome to TALK HEX, with me, JSCD!

Esme: Not to be rude, but…who are you.

_Carlisle clears his throat loudly to get Esme's attention then shakes his head no. "Don't ask!" He mouths. Esme looks at Carlisle then back at me, flinches then goes to sit next her hub-bub._

Me: LOOK! IM ONLY RUNNING A 30 MINUET SHOW, SO CAN THE REST OF YA'LL VAMPS COME OUT HERE?! TODAY!

_The remaining Cullens and Bella enter._

Me: I will not bother to greet any of you.

_Cricket…_

Me: I have several questions for you all from some of your fans!

Rose: WHAT?! HUMANS? THEY KNOW?!

_Rose runs around frantically. I throw an open compact mirror on the floor. She sees her reflection and sits down to look at it. Indian Style._

Me: Good Blondie…

_I pet Rosalie's curly blond hair gently. Her long leg shakes like a puppy._

Edward: W-wow. She got Rose to shut the heck up. Amazing.

_Rosalie is still occupied and doesn't hear Ed's comment. I began my questioning._

Me: All right lets get this boat on the Camel's ass, shall we? First question is for…Eddie-kins! It says: Are you, have, or will you ever become apart of the homosexual community?

_Everyone: Le-GASP!_

Edward: W-What?!

Me: ARE. YOU. OR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GAY?!!

_Edwards eye twitches slightly. Everyone else stares at him strangely. _

Edward: …

Me; Do you want me explain that further?

Edward:…

Me: Okalie Dokalie…. Are you a butt pirate?

Emmett: Ass Monkey?

Jasper: Fudge Packer?

Alice: Riding the Anal express?

_Cricket…Tumble weed…_

Edward: Uh…No.

Me: Why did it take you so long to answer? Were you actually considering it?!

Edward: NO!!! You don't know what you're talking about! I'm not homosexual!!! Ugh! I love my Bella!

Bella: …

Edward: You love me right Bella?

Bella: Well…Jakes not gender confused, so… I guess…idk.

_Edward tries to convince Bella he's straight…I just move on…_

Me: Next one's for Emmett! Emmett, do you use steroids?

_Everyone gasps. Emmett hops up as if the cops were on his ass._

Emmett: NO! WHERE'D YOU HERE THAT! IF IT WAS JASPER, HE'S LYING!!! I SWEAR!!

_He starts to sit down, but a pill bottle falls from his pocket and rolls to my feet. I pick it up._

Me: STEROIDS EXTRA STRENGHTH.

_Le- Gasp!!!! Emmett fidgets nervously…._

Emmett: I was holding it for Edward!

_Everyone turns to face Edward…_

Edward: What?

Carlisle: Son… I'm very disappointed in you. Your gay and on drugs…disgraceful.

Edward: CARLISLE! I'm NOT gay! And drugs don't even effect vampires!!!

_Emmett stands up with a pissed off look on his face._

Emmett: WHAT?!! THEY DON'T WORK!?? SO I BOUGHT DEFECTIVE DRUGS!!! SHIT!!!Esme: Emmett! Language…wait…

Everyone except Rose: YOUR BOUGHT DRUGS?!!!!

Emmett: Uh-oh….

_Emmett run away and all the Cullens follow. Rosalie is still on the floor. I reach for the mirror but she growled like a dog with a bone._

Me: Never mind…. Well, thanks for joining me on TALK HEX with me! JSCD! See Yah TOMORROW! BYE!!

_TALK HEX THEME SONG PLAYS: DON'T TRUST ME BY 3OH!3..._

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_Weird Announcer Dude who speaks in a deep very fast voice: TALK HEX was brought to you by : where you can kidnap any character you want and NOT get arrested!

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**A/N: Hope you liked! I need more question for the Cullen to ask. Or the Volturi or the wolves or even Characters from other books and movies!!!! SO REVIEW!!!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: This next Episode of TALK HEX features Katy Perry's song: Ur So Gay. It is the most awesome song in the fucking world!!!!! If you haven't heard it go find it!!!!!! It's dedicated to Eddie boy in this mini episode!!!! Hope you like!!!!**

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**3 hours before the show….**

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_Bella and Edward just put Nessie to bed and are getting dressed for the show… Radio plays Katy Perry, Ur So Gay…. Bella sings along._

**Bella: "**i hope you hang yourself with your H&M scarf

While jacking off listening to Mozart

You bitch and moan about LA

Wishing you were in the rain reading Hemingway

You don't eat meat

And drive electrical cars

You're so indie rock it's almost an artYou need SPF 45 just to stay alive"

_Bella dances around in her and Edward bedroom…_

**Edward: **Love…what are you singing?

**Bella: **Katy Perry's: Ur so Gay…why?

**Edward: **Why are singing that?

**Bella: **Because I like the song! Geez! Relax, I'm not making accusations here!!!

_Edward stalks off in huff… Bella sings louder and more dramatically…._

**Bella: "**You're so gay and you don't even like boys

No you don't even like

No you don't even like

No you don't even like boys

You're so gay and you don't even like boys

No you don't even likeNo you don't even like

No you don't even like…"

_Edward growls from in the bathroom…_

**Edward: **BELLA!!! BE QUIET, RENESMEE IS SLEEPING!!!

_Bella rolls her eyes and sings even louder!_

**Bella: "**You walk around like you're oh so debonair

You pull em' down and there's really nothing there

I wish you would just be real with me."

_Edward rushes out to shut Bella up but Rose, Alice, Jasper and Emmett come in and start singing with her…_

**All except Edward: "**You're so gay and you don't even like boys

No you don't even like

No you don't even like

No you don't even like boys

You're so gay and you don't even like boys

No you don't even likeNo you don't even like

**(Bella)**Oh no no no no no no-------

You're so gay and you don't even like boys

No you don't even likeNo you don't even like

No you don't even like boysYou're so gay and you don't even like boys

No you don't even likeNo you don't even likeNo you don't even like… PENIS!"

_Edward cover his ears but Emmett is thinking the song…_

**Edward: **Help Me!!!!

_He jumps out of the window…_

**Bella: **That was HILARIOUS!!!!

**All: **VERY HILARIOUS!!!

**Nessie: **Daddy's gay?

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**A/N: Hope you enjoyed the little piece… lol REVIEW!!!**


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Okay! So I suffered a great loss. The untimely death of my dear sweet, Kenny. He was my MacBook. He will be missed. *Moment of Silence* BUT….IM BACK! And with brand new stuff! So welcome my new Acer PC, Aubrey. He is your new BFF. Fear Him…he's part vampire (Thanks to Emmett.)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight…*whines dumbly***

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**(**_**Katy Perry's California Gurls plays…)**_

**Me: **Hellerrr! And welcome to an all NEW season of Talk Hex with me, your mom.

_**(Applause…)**_

**Me: **No! No, stop it! Please, thank you! I know, you love me…stop it…please…

_**(Applause Grows immensely louder…)**_

**Me: *Glare* **

_**(Silence…)**_

**Me: **Alright! Well lets get this boat on the show and this show on the…never mind…please welcome, the dirtiest…grimiest…most untrained group of Dogs on the planet. THE QUILEUTE WOLVES!

_**(Who Let The Dogs Out plays…)**_

**Jacob: Is that really necessary? (Referring to Music)**

**Me: Would you prefer this, Jason?**

_**(Hungry Like The Wolf plays…)**_

**Jacob: No! My name is Jacob and NO I do NOT prefer this! I-**

**Me: Sure, Sure Jeffery… Now who is this sexy bag of fur? *Winks at Paul***

_**(Paul looks around for source of the wink.)**_

**Sam: That's Paul. This is Jared, Quil, Seth, Leah, Embry, Jacob and I'm Sam.**

**Me: WELL HELLOOOO! *Touches Paul's thigh* Nice to meet you, Paul, Jared, Quil, Leah, Embry, Jennifer and Sam.**

**Jacob: IT'S JACOB!**

**Me: Yeah, Yeah Tina. Sit down.**

**Jacob: Tina? THAT'S NOT EVEN CLOSE!**

_**(I sigh loudly and pick up the newspaper off of my desk, roll it up and smites Jacob with it across the muzzle.)**_

**Me: HEAL! HEAL DOG!**

_**(Jacob cringes out of Dogestual Instinct.)**_

**Me: So Paul and friends, what is it like? Turning into a big dog? Is it tough? Does it have benefits? Disadvantages?**

**Paul: Well actually its-**

**Me: Shhh…don't speak…you're hotter when you don't talk…so shhhh *rubs his lips. He shakes in anger***

**Sam: Paul…**

**Quil: Oh, crap…**

**Leah and Seth: He's gonna phase in 3...2...1...**

_**(Paul bursts into a ball of silver shiny fluff. He growls at me.)**_

**Paul: Rawr…**

**Me: Bad Puppy *Squirts him with water bottle* Bad, Bad puppy. Sit. HEAL! HEAAAAAALLLL!**

_**(Paul whines and runs off to a corner to mope until he's calm enough to phase back.)**_

**Me: So that took longer than expected…damn dogs…got no home training…ANYWHO! As a gift, courtesy of PetSmart, I've got you guys so very stylish flea collars AND wait for it…RAW HIDE DOGGY BONES!**

_**(Pulls collars and bones out for the pack.)**_

**Sam: Um…that won't be necessary, we-**

_**(I shove the bone in his mouth)**_

**Me: Here you go! AND one for you Rosanne.**

**Jacob: Not my name…**

**Me: Urkel?**

**Jacob: No.**

**Me: Lucy? Fresh Prince? Willis? Richie? Joanie? Greg? Marsha? Bobby? Jan? Mike Seaver? Carol Seaver? Bonnie? Urkel? Mr. Furley? **

**Jacob:…That's the Nick At Night Line-Up!**

**Me: ****Blanka, Zangeif, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda…**

**Embry: That's Street Fighter…**

**Me: Red? Blue? Green?**

**Leah: Um…those are colors.**

**Jacob: UGH! MY NAME IS-**

**Me: AND it looks like we're out of time! Thank you to the Wolf Pack for joining us! Thanks to DJ DANJA for the tunes and thank you to PetSmart and Co. for the wonderful gifts. See you all next time on another exciting episode of Talk Hex with ME, JSCD! BYE BITCHES!**

_**(You Ain't Nothing But A Hound Dog plays..)**_

_***Jacob phases and chases after me***_

**Weird Deep Voice Announcer Dude: TALK HEX WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETSMART AND , WHERE YOU CAN KIDNAP ANYONE YOU WANT AND NOT GET ARRESTED FOR IT. *voice speeds up* ALL CONTENT PRESENTED IN THIS SHOW ARE NOT THE VIEWS OF AND JasperSaysCalmDown IS OT ACCOUNTABLE FOR ANY BAD SIDE EFFECTS.**

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**AN: Okay, so it's been a full YEAR since I've updated this and I pray to god that you all still care enough to review...Flames welcome... Muah...Love You.**


	4. HELP MEEE!

**A/N: I KNOW YOU GUYS HATE AUTHORS NOTES! BUT...this is important to me. I've been having a writers block for months now and I need inspiration! So to all of my readers and I do mean ALL of you. I need you right now! Rather than review this, go to my profile on FF, and visit my Tumblr Account. From there, I need you to Post what you want from me next. This includes my up coming Marley Story and all of my other fics as well. On my tumblr, you may ask questions, post links, and give and receive advice and such. This is much easier for me than reviews and I can actually respond faster to you guys. Anyway, I have to run. Spread this to your friends and feel free to ask me anything. Wether its about Fanfictions or just life. Thanks Guys! New Chapter soon I hope! I love you!**

**Love, **

**JasperSaysCalmDown**


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